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Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!torn!watserv2.uwaterloo.ca!watserv1!mhanna
From: mhanna@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca (HANNAFORD MA - PLANNING)
Subject: Kirk Vs Picard
Message-ID: <CJrq8B.G7q@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca>
Keywords: Kirk, Picard, Better Than
Sender: news@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca
Organization: University of Waterloo
Date: Mon, 17 Jan 1994 09:55:23 GMT
Lines: 141
Here is something vaguely humorous for your collective perusal:
It is a further examination of an old argument...
Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
by Hemi and the Farkmaster
100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair.
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale
population.
83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the
Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remainedrelatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical
advantage.
77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off
--even around those pesky Yeomans.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to
climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter,
Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship
Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down
its neck.
66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old
janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named
after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be
dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a
"Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red
shirts.
51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the
trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly
translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes
with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay
in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate,
charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his
enemies. (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for
resources.
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
20.Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute
things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to
call him"four eyes."
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard
doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on
shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting
ensign.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even
impressed.
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls.
So there you are -- I hope you had a giggle as we lampoon our cultures
then and now...
--
CLiNt tUrcOTte
mhanna@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca
***I came; I saw; I left; I write.***
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!hobbes.physics.uiowa.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.cac.psu.edu!psuvm!adt105
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 1994 04:50:43 EST
From: <ADT105@psuvm.psu.edu>
Message-ID: <94018.045043ADT105@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Re: Kirk Vs Picard
References: <CJrq8B.G7q@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca> <probertsCJsCIr.43H@netcom.com>
Lines: 37
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!
Very funny, and very true.
Top Ten Reasons Why Kirk is Better than Picard not Mentioned Previously
10. Kirk has an annoying kid (Charlie X) and loses him
by the end of the episode. Picard STILL can't keep the Weasel from
coming back.
9. Kirk's doctor takes care of the physical and mental well-being of the
crew, and Kirk would never have a Counselor. (Captain, I sense hostility
from the Romulan commander from whom you stole the cloaking device.) Picard
always has conflicting advice from his doctor and counselor.
8. Kirk took a cloaking device from the Romulans. Picard gave a cloaking
device back to the Romulans.
7. Picard's Kobashi Maru test: "Romulans, this is Captain Picard. We are
here to save the crew of the Kobashi Maru ---" <BOOM> "Cadet Picard, that is
the all-time low for the Kobashi Maru Senario..." Kirk just happens to be
the ONLY person EVER in the History in the Great Big Federation to beat the
thing, thanks to his mastery of all things computerized.
6. Kirk can count; he never called Spock Number One (he's second in rank,
obviously). Picard obviously flunked basic algebra.
5. Kirk would have beaten Q at his own game, a la Trelaine, and then
called up the Q-continum to take him home. (He probably would have BEATEN
Q to a bloody pulp, or at least knocked him out a la Sisko <DS9 PLUG!>:)
4. Kirk could have made Lore self-destruct in 5 minutes. (i.e. People are
irrational. They must be destroyed. You have feelings. You must be a person.
You must be destroyed. <BOOM> Scotty, send a crew up here to clean this mess.
3. Kirk invented a card game, fizzbin. Picard won't even play poker.
2. Best character on Picard's ship, Riker, a wannna-be Kirk. (Descendant?)
And the number one reason why Kirk beats Picard:
1. Something brings them together to fight to the death. Picard says,
"Let's talk this over/Get in touch with our feelings/etc." Kirk shoots
him on the spot.
I do like TNG, BTW, I just hear a lot of TOS bashing going around, so I
like to make things even ;)
Aaron (Only Kirk can quote Shakespeare and Peter Pan on the same day) Thomas
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.cac.psu.edu!psuvm!adt105
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Fri, 21 Jan 1994 18:59:54 EST
From: <ADT105@psuvm.psu.edu>
Message-ID: <94021.185954ADT105@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Re: Hey what about a Picard vs Kirk???
References: <1994Jan20.003341.1@bcvms.bc.edu>
<1994Jan20.222531.1049@news.cs.brandeis.edu>
Lines: 38
I keep saying that I think that they are equal, so It's
only fair that I make a new Top Ten List
10. Picard can speak complete sentences without taking a breath between
phrases. In contrast: "This is ... Captain Kirk ... of the Starship
... Enterprise."
9. Picard actually gets more women - he's part Deltan.
<FYI: Deltans are a race of bald humanoids who easily attract other
species, like the woman in ST:TMP>
8. Kirk destroyed the Enterprise and damaged the Excelsior.
Picard only --- wiped out most of starfleet!
7. Picard has lived out the equivalent of two of Kirk's lives.
6. If hippies took over HIS ship, Picard could gain their trust -
and get his ship back - by jamming with them on the flute.
5. When bumped up to Admiral, Kirk got a desk job. Picard will
probably end up Commadant/President? of Starfleet Academy.
(He's been offered the position at least once. Maybe twice.)
4. Kirk commanded a measly 400 or so people. Picard "is responsible
for 1000+ lives on" his big E.
3. Kirk has yet to eat gach (sp) --- Picard ENJOYS it.
2. Kirk neaver had to deal with the Weasel. Picard gets credit for
not killing himself while W.C. was aboard.
and the umber one reason for Picard being better than Kirk ...
1. Picard is so tough a fighter, willing to take on a challenge, that
they had to gice him an artificial heart -- and he's STILL a
captain. Kirk would just send in 20 or so redshirts, hoping
that they wipe out enough of the enemy for him to step in and take
credit.
Random thoughts that don't count - because they aren't canon!
On one hand, Picard's second in command was a Penn Stater, in a previous
life as Jon Frakes ;) (Got an story idea about this, but for now ...).
On the other hand, Kirk obviously never let Spock into the Captain's
French Fries!! (Making this canon - not a chance :)
Aaron (Awaiting the flames from the pro-Kirk lobbists) Thomas
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!sdd.hp.com!caen!malgudi.oar.net!news.ysu.edu!psuvm!kad116
Organization: Penn State University
Date: Fri, 28 Jan 1994 06:19:29 EST
From: <KAD116@psuvm.psu.edu>
Message-ID: <94028.061929KAD116@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Picard vs. Kirk
Lines: 377
Someone requested a repost of the Kirk vs. Picard list.
PSEB is more than willing to provide that service -- but only if you
read the Picard vs Kirk list, too. Here they are; the Kirk-positive
reasons have the > symbols in front of them. Enjoy!
============================================================================
>Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
> by Hemi and the Farkmaster
Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk
by the Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade
> 100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
Picard is a lover, not a fighter.
> 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
> 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
Sex with Picard is worth waiting for a whole season.
> 97. One Word: Hair.
One word: sex appeal (OK, two words).
> 96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
Another word: Damn-good-looking-don't-need-a-weave!
> 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
Picard can beat up a Klingon bare.... (heheh) ;->
> 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
Kirk doesn't have a sexy accent at all.
> 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
Kirk would date anything claiming to be female (see #69).
> 92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
Kirk obviously has a bladder problem.
> 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
Diplomacy for Picard is a red bow tie and a smile
(and nothing else).
> 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge.
> 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
Two words: Picard Maneuver
Two more words: Well endowed
> 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk.
> 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
Picard (on the SoL) says "I've got a great crew -- and they're
all beauties!"
> 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
Kirk has no singing voice, that's why they don't bother
asking him to sing.
> 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
Kirk drives his *own* stick shift. ;>
Picard can ride a horse! :-)
> 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale
> population.
Kirk secretly wanted to father Earth's whale population.
> 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
Picard says "Kirk? What Kirk?"
> 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults.
> 81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the
> Federation.
Picard NEVER acted like a horse while some midget rode him.
> 80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
Picard knows how to use chopsticks for more than walrus imitations.
> 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
Kirk *was* low performance technology...
> 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical
> advantage.
Picard never pretends to be a bum to get a date.
Kirk doesn't have the acting skill.
> 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off
> --even around those pesky Yeomans.
Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off
--even around those pesky Cardassians.
> 76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk.
Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be
at his beck and call.
> 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut.
> 74. One Word: Velour.
Three words: Stretch velour jhodphurs
> 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
Picard's counselor can beat an android at chess.
> 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to
> climbing rocks.
Spock shoulda let him fall.
> 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter,
> Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship
> Enterprise.
Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it.
> 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again.
> 69. One Word: Iman
One word: Kamala
> 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
Picard looks good with NO shirt (or pants).
> 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down
> its neck.
Picard has better things to do with his time.
> 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover
a sensible solution."
> 65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
Kirk's first officer was trying to get rid of him.
> 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
Kirk just leaves the room to bawl.
> 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old
> janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
Picard doesn't rely on weak over-acting to get him out of
intergalactic scrapes.
> 62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
Three Words: No Funky Bellbottoms
> 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
Picard never asked his Chief Medical Officer to be bartender.
> 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose.
> 59. Kirk is not politically correct.
That's o.k., Kirk's not correct on much else, either.
> 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named
> after a letter of the alphabet.
Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales.
> 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
Kirk wouldn't look good in tights. Especially at midseason.
> 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be
> dead.
Picard can reason with Klingons.
> 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a
> "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
Picard's Chief of Engineering has more important things to do
than run the transporter.
> 54. One Word: Miniskirts.
Two words: Bicycle shorts ;->
> 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
Kirk's girlfriends only look good in soft light.
> 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red
> shirts.
Picard takes responsibility for his actions.
> 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the
> trombone.
Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp.
> 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell.
> 49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly
> translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to.
> 48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
Kirk always was a little too obsessed with food.
> 47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
Kirk wouldn't know a 20th Century knife if it Bobbit'ed him
> 46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
Picard doesn't rely on a middle name to be tough or
awe-inspiring.
> 45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
Is that what you call a blow job?
> 44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
Picard has much better luck.
> 43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
Kirk cheated on his final exams at Starfleet Academy.
> 42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control.
> 41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
Picard has cool touch padds -- not some clickety-click buttons.
> 40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
Two Words: Over Acting
Two words: Rescue 911
> 39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes
> with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay
> in Iowa to put himself through school.
Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a
dessert fork.
> 38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
PSEB knows how Picard emphasizes the important orations.
> 37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate,
> charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his
> enemies. (Need we say more?)
We know all McGyver-isms are full of shit.
> 36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
Kirk would have sex with *anything*.
Picard was never put off by intelligence.
> 35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
Picard knows how to deal with war-mongering Cardassians, greedy
Ferengi, and bloodthirsty Klingons -- without people dying.
> 34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
Picard IS a Greek god. 'Nuff said.
> 33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one.
> 32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
Picard already *knows* what the doctor wants him to do! ;)
> 31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
One Word: Cro-Magnon (Kirk, that is... ;)
> 30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
Picard's name is respected throughout the universe.
> 29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
Kirk probably believes Shakespeare was a Klingon.
> 28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
Some men *like* to be tied up...oh! You said "locked"... ;>
> 27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
Picard's eulogies make women swoon.
> 26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for
> resources.
Picard *is* a god and doesn't need to exploit...
> 25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
Picard's son would never do science using unethical methods.
> 24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
Kirk tries to climb up any tube he can!
> 23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem.
> 22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
Woman didn't have a word for shallow -- until they met Kirk.
> 21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
Polyester and Formica don't come in that color.
> 20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
Two Words: Butt shots.
> 19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
Picard is sensitive enough to realize that love of music is
a human strength, not to be belittled.
> 18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute
> things, like Tribbles.
Cats *like* Picard.
Kirk only beamed the tribbles away after he found out he couldn't
have sex with them.
> 17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
Picard knows he is a really nice guy -- Kirk just thinks he is
a cultural icon.
> 16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY.
> 15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
Picard *never* serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function.
> 14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to
> call him "four eyes."
Picard looks distinguished in or out of anything -- and nobody dares
to call him baldy.
> 13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
Picard can infilitrate PSEB's collective bedrooms...easily.
> 12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
Picard can get nude models easily; Kirk -- well, maybe he could
use a mirror.
> 11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard
> doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over
to kick some butt.
> 10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on
> shore leave.
Paramount knew no one would watch the show again if he did.
There *is* a God.
> 9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting
> ensign.
StarFleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place.
Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant
order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew.
> 8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its
five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift.
> 7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
When Picard sats "Boldy Go," all the women in the audience
collapse in a smouldering heap of estrogen. When he says
"Come," they do!
> 6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
Three Words: Take me now. ;->
Three More Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear
> 5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
Wanna make a bet?
The Looooooooooove Ship is fighting for time with him...
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even
> impressed.
Neither was God.
> 3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
Picard's bedroom is a passion pit WITHOUT electric sheets.
> 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one.
Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode.
> 1. One Word: Balls.
One Word: Balls.
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
[]Karen A. Droms (PSEB, JLPSoL) KAD116@psuvm.psu.edu[]
[]Holodeck Specialist in Charge of Programming Private Detective Fantasies[]
[]======="Sex on TV might hurt someone...but only if they fall off."======[]
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
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Organization: Penn State University
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 1994 12:24:06 EST
From: <KAD116@psuvm.psu.edu>
Message-ID: <94025.122406KAD116@psuvm.psu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,rec.arts.startrek.misc
Subject: 100 Reasons why PICARD is better then Kirk
Lines: 379
Xref: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu alt.startrek.creative:9022 rec.arts.startrek.misc:33914
There has been a lot of discussion on the net about who is better,
Picard or Kirk. The Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade has composed
a rebuttal list to the original list which started the discussion.
Enjoy!
==================================================================
>Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
> by Hemi and the Farkmaster
Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk
by the Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade
> 100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
Picard is a lover, not a fighter.
> 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
> 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
Sex with Picard is worth waiting for a whole season.
> 97. One Word: Hair.
One word: sex appeal (OK, two words).
> 96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
Another word: Damn-good-looking-don't-need-a-weave!
> 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
Picard can beat up a Klingon bare.... (heheh) ;->
> 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
Kirk doesn't have a sexy accent at all.
> 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
Kirk would date anything claiming to be female (see #69).
> 92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
Kirk obviously has a bladder problem.
> 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
Diplomacy for Picard is a red bow tie and a smile
(and nothing else).
> 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge.
> 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
Two words: Picard Maneuver
Two more words: Well endowed
> 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk.
> 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
Picard (on the SoL) says "I've got a great crew -- and they're
all beauties!"
> 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
Kirk has no singing voice, that's why they don't bother
asking him to sing.
> 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
Kirk drives his *own* stick shift. ;>
Picard can ride a horse! :-)
> 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale
> population.
Kirk secretly wanted to father Earth's whale population.
> 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
Picard says "Kirk? What Kirk?"
> 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults.
> 81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the
> Federation.
Picard NEVER acted like a horse while some midget rode him.
> 80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
Picard knows how to use chopsticks for more than walrus imitations.
> 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
Kirk *was* low performance technology...
> 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical
> advantage.
Picard never pretends to be a bum to get a date.
Kirk doesn't have the acting skill.
> 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off
> --even around those pesky Yeomans.
Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off
--even around those pesky Cardassians.
> 76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk.
Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be
at his beck and call.
> 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut.
> 74. One Word: Velour.
Three words: Stretch velour jhodphurs
> 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
Picard's counselor can beat an android at chess.
> 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to
> climbing rocks.
Spock shoulda let him fall.
> 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter,
> Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship
> Enterprise.
Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it.
> 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again.
> 69. One Word: Iman
One word: Kamala
> 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
Picard looks good with NO shirt (or pants).
> 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down
> its neck.
Picard has better things to do with his time.
> 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover
a sensible solution."
> 65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
Kirk's first officer was trying to get rid of him.
> 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
Kirk just leaves the room to bawl.
> 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old
> janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
Picard doesn't rely on weak over-acting to get him out of
intergalactic scrapes.
> 62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
Three Words: No Funky Bellbottoms
> 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
Kirk never asked his Chief Medical Officer to be bartender.
> 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose.
> 59. Kirk is not politically correct.
That's o.k., Kirk's not correct on much else, either.
> 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named
> after a letter of the alphabet.
Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales.
> 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
Kirk wouldn't look good in tights. Especially at midseason.
> 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be
> dead.
Picard can reason with Klingons.
> 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a
> "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
Picard's Chief of Engineering has more important things to do
than run the transporter.
> 54. One Word: Miniskirts.
Two words: Bicycle shorts ;->
> 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
Kirk's girlfriends only look good in soft light.
> 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red
> shirts.
Picard takes responsibility for his actions.
> 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the
> trombone.
Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp.
> 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell.
> 49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly
> translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."
Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to.
> 48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
Kirk always was a little too obsessed with food.
> 47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
Kirk wouldn't know a 20th Century knife if it Bobbit'ed him
> iddle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
Picard doesn't rely on a middle name to be tough or
awe-inspiring.
> 45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
Is that what you call a blow job?
> 44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
Picard has much better luck.
> 43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
Kirk cheated on his final exams at Starfleet Academy.
> 42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control.
> 41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
Picard has cool touch padds -- not some clickety-click buttons.
> 40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
Two Words: Over Acting
Two words: Rescue 911
> 39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes
> with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay
> in Iowa to put himself through school.
Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a
dessert fork.
> 38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
PSEB knows how Picard emphasizes the important orations.
> 37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate,
> charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his
> enemies. (Need we say more?)
We know all McGyver-isms are full of shit.
> 36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
Kirk would have sex with *anything*.
Picard was never put off by intelligence.
> 35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
Picard knows how to deal with war-mongering Cardassians, greedy
Ferengi, and bloodthirsty Klingons -- without people dying.
> 34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
Picard IS a Greek god. 'Nuff said.
> 33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one.
> 32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
Picard already *knows* what the doctor wants him to do! ;)
> 31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
One Word: Cro-Magnon (Kirk, that is... ;)
> 30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
Picard's name is respected throughout the universe.
> 29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
Kirk probably believes Shakespeare was a Klingon.
> 28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
Some men *like* to be tied up...oh! You said "locked"... ;>
> 27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
Picard's eulogies make women swoon.
> 26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for
> resources.
Picard *is* a god and doesn't need to exploit...
> 25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
Picard's son would never do science using unethical methods.
> 24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
Kirk tries to climb up any tube he can!
> 23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem.
> 22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
Woman didn't have a word for shallow -- until they met Kirk.
> 21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
Polyester and Formica don't come in that color.
> 20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
Two Words: Butt shots.
> 19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
Picard is sensitive enough to realize that love of music is
a human strength, not to be belittled.
> 18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute
> things, like Tribbles.
Cats *like* Picard.
Kirk only beamed the tribbles away after he found out he couldn't
have sex with them.
> 17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.
Picard knows he is a really nice guy -- Kirk just thinks he is
a cultural icon.
> 16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY.
> 15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
Picard *never* serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function.
> 14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to
> call him "four eyes."
Picard looks distinguished in or out of anything -- and nobody dares
to call him baldy.
> 13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
Picard can infilitrate PSEB's collective bedrooms...easily.
> 12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
Picard can get nude models easily; Kirk -- well, maybe he could
use a mirror.
> 11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard
> doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over
to kick some butt.
> 10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on
> shore leave.
Paramount knew no one would watch the show again if he did.
There *is* a God.
> 9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting
> ensign.
StarFleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place.
Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant
order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew.
> 8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its
five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift.
> 7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
When Picard sats "Boldy Go," all the women in the audience
collapse in a smouldering heap of estrogen. When he says
"Come," they do!
> 6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
Three Words: Take me now. ;->
Three More Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear
> 5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
Wanna make a bet?
The Looooooooooove Ship is fighting for time with him...
BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even
> impressed.
Neither was God.
> 3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
Picard's bedroom is a passion pit WITHOUT electric sheets.
> 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one.
Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode.
> 1. One Word: Balls.
> One Word: Balls.
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[]Karen A. Droms (PSEB, JLPSoL) KAD116@psuvm.psu.edu[]
[]Holodeck Specialist in Charge of Programming Private Detective Fantasies[]
[]======="Sex on TV might hurt someone...but only if they fall off."======[]
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